Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
