so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
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