I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
