I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
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