let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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