One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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