i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
