Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
