I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
