we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
