how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
