fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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