You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
