Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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