I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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