My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
