just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
