I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Randomize
