i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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