i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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