I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
