I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
How does it feel to date your dad?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
