I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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