i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
