I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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