Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
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It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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