So drunk, too bad you don't want this
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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