My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
