I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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