my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
as a side note pls kill me
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
