I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
