Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
