All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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