I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
