Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
