He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
