My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
