i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
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I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
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the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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