Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
