if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
