Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I have fence marks all over my body
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
