I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
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This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
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Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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