i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
sarcasm needs its own font
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
