So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
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The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
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This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
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