last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
