I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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