What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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