Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Randomize
