I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
