The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
