I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
