I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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